Intuition as Intimacy: The Nuanced Self

Part 1

Over the next few months, I’ll share more insights about intuition that I haven’t heard spoken about before. This is in honor and celebration of my first EVER foundational course on the subject.

Contributing subscribers: stay tuned for a discount code just for you!

As I settle into teaching my upcoming intuition course, I’m reflecting on the many nuances of intuition.

So much of what we are taught about intuition has been shaped by the authoritative aspects of Western culture.

Intuition means you are certain.
Intuition looks the same in everyone: it is all based on the “clairs.”
If it’s not a hundred percent yes, it’s a no!
If it’s not a full body yes, it’s a NO!

Following your intuition means you get rewarded: only “good” things happen to those who follow their intuitive hits.

Intuition looks like getting exactly what you want.
Or having a pain-free life, comfortable life.
Trusting your intuition means no surprises!

And then, believing that our intuition has to look or feel or be these “certain” ways, we become even more distanced from ourselves.

Ironically, what has been most true for me is that intuition often leads to uncertainty. Following my intuition can be painful, and can lead me to make decisions that might confuse or hurt others, even if that is not my intention. Trusting my intuition does not always give me the outcome I want, or assure me…about anything.

This also is true Hermit wisdom.
To be safe in the unknown.
To flirt with the mystery.
To not need to know: the future, how you channeled that podcast episode, why you made the left turn instead of the right.

Intuition is nuanced, and that is what we’ll be exploring in the course. For trauma survivors, it might not be possible that every new experience, or experience that reminds us of an old experience, or experience that is a major growth edge, could be a “hell yes!” Discomfort does not mean that something is bad, it simply means that, well, you are uncomfortable.

Your nervous system, inner child, unconscious, soma, psyche, and protector parts need some time to catch up to your new edge. You may need to use the tools and practices you know help support you, as you move towards new horizons.

For anyone, regardless of their history, it’s completely natural to have part of us be in conflict around a goal, intention, relationship, choice, huge move, or big decision.

I would put forth that most of the decisions we make that are ultimately healing for us also have some specific bouquet of anxiety, doubt, shame, or fear attached to it. For to confront the fear, the shame, the doubt, and love it, is one of the ways we heal.

Often, when we take the time and space for all of us to communicate around discomfort or resistance, we have a greater understanding of what we practice in order to feel more safe and supported.

I’ll end with a situation from my own life that illustrates this nuance and healing.

In 2020, I published my first book with a major traditional publishing house. Long story short, the entire pitch to published book was a grueling 6 year process that was mostly terrible not great. After the book came out, folks either asked me when my next book was coming out, and I got some encouragement to immediately begin another. That’s just what authors did: they rode the momentum to their first book to another and another and hopefully, another.

Every time I sat down to begin drafting a pitch or an outline for my next book, I got a loud full-body no. It was so, so strong. So strong were the signals from my body, that I assumed I would not write another again. (It was even written about here.)

However, over the years, there was yearning about writing another book.
Again and again, my body said no by shutting down, disassociating at the desk, feeling like lead. Because I know intuition is so nuanced, I also knew that because that message was so strong, there was something there to be processed.

Over time, I began sitting with myself, my body, and the option of writing another book with a traditional publishing house. I knew that the rigidity and shut-down that my body was expressing was something to be engaged with more, not automatically taken at face value.

Intuition is nuanced.
Intuition is the deepest form of intimacy that exists.
Intimacy can also be loving the hard parts.
The complicated parts. The scary parts and confusing parts. Loving them all, for long enough for them to soften and share, share and soften.

And so, with compassion and softness, I sat with my body, nervous system, and various parts, and saw what was there beyond my contraction.

What ended up coming up was a lot of unprocessed anger, resentment, and disappointment around what happened with my first book. I was treated so poorly by my editor and the publishing house. I had to do a ton of extra work, even more than when I was self-publishing. I had spend over six thousand dollars of my advance to pay an editor, because my editor refused to edit my book, and a marketing person, because my publisher refused to market my book effectively. Once again, I felt the familiar, sad story from childhood: No one wants to help you. You aren’t worth care and consideration. You have to do it all alone. Everything you want has to be hard.

And over and over, I sat with each familiar story and assured it that I was there, I cared, and that I don’t ever have to do anything alone every again, because I would always be there, protecting and loving all parts of myself.

Eventually, I learned that many, many unknown authors are treated the way I was by big publishing houses. But just because something is normal doesn’t mean it is ok.
No creative deserves to be treated worse than a cog in a machine.

My body internalized the situation with all book publishing, and my inner child blamed my adult self. Essentially, my nervous system over-coupled that one experience with the prospect of any book writing experience. This is common in trauma survivors: we tend to think in extremes and rigid binaries. This is a safety device, born from young, confused parts that thinks if only they stay away from anything associated with past pain or trauma—Dating apps! Dating in general! Social media! Art! Sports! Physical activity! — they will be safe. But when we let those parts run the show, we miss out on life. Avoidance is not an effective way to live a generative, whole life.

For months, I sat with this. Did my somatics, and felt my feelings, and processed my feelings, reflected, got curious, and journaled. I gently asked my body, my inner child, my nervous system, and my protective parts what they needed, what they wanted, and what I could do to honor them.

What came out of those somatic and journaling sessions was the clarity and wisdom I needed—not only for future publishing endeavors, but for upcoming creative projects.

What came out of this process was a deep reconnection to my values.

I learned that the creative process was the most important aspect of creation to me. And if it felt shitty, whether by mean/careless people, rushed deadlines, or narrow minds, honestly, it felt ruined.

I wanted a publishing experience of care, one where the work itself was respected and honored. Where it was understood that the design mattered—down to the paper stock.

Collaborators—the editor and publishing team—mattered deeply. I wanted to work with folks who were rigorous and kind, who cared about the quality of the work, who wanted to make my writing and ideas better, and who were committed to making the project the very best it could be.

After months of process and practice, of softening and clarifying, I deduced that I did want to write another published book: I just didn’t want to have to also design the cover, copyedit it, market it, and fight for its basic consideration. That meant a different process: writing most of it before going to market, making sure it landed in the right hands, and creating a contract where I was completely protected from all the BS that went down with my previous experience.

After that, my body softened around book writing, and I’m happy to say I’ve begun the ideation process for a new book. It will be created in a completely different way, and if I do get a book deal, it will have an air-tight contract that protects me, the end product, and the process.

Hopefully, gentle reader, your body can lead you into clarity and deeper wisdom, by way of nuance. It is what you and your intuition were created for.

If you are ready to go deeper into trust with your intuition in a nuanced way, sign up for the Moon Studio’s upcoming Intuition Course! It begins May 5th.

Contributing subscribers, I have a sweet discount code to offer you.