Reflections on this year.

A waiting game.

This year was a waiting game. With the universe. With my pain. With my brain. With my illness recovery. With my purpose. With the next steps. 

Was it a waiting game for you, as well? 

I’ve told my Patreon community (which is most likely moving over here in early 2024!) that at the start of this year, I sat with the universe and implored her.

Ok Universe, give me a sign.
Give me a sign about where to go, what to quit, or what to do. Give me a sign and
I’ll follow them.

After years in the liminal, years of grappling with grief and Long-Covid, I was beyond ready to be back on steady footing. 

But the universe was silent. The silence was loud. 

Have you ever been there? Are you there currently? 

After 11 months of struggle, I can now interpret that silence. Deep down, I probably knew what the silence meant, but it wasn’t until this December, that I understood how I needed to integrate and implement that silence.

It wasn’t until this month that I mustered the strength the courage the fearlessness to commit. Of course it was this month, this pre-cursor to our Strength year, that I finally tapped into the heart of all the stopped me. Fear and shadow. 

Fearlessness is about having the fear and still being able to move forward in an aligned way. Shadow is about confusing lies and pain for truth.

The waiting game was there because I was waiting. 
The universe is a mirror.

The answer to all this is to live. 

To try: earnestly, authentically, in some precious arenas, to stop avoiding fear and vulnerability. To find joy and connection and intimacy and gratitude and
self-motivation and beauty no matter what. 

That was the ask this whole year.

Gentle listener, I did not do the best job of it.
Most days, my ego got in the way, which is to say that I over-relied on expectations. The expectations were completely reasonable, not the least bit audacious.
They were still expectations that attached to outcomes being a certain way in order for ME to have permission to take risks, permission to fuck up, move forward, reinvent, change a little or a lot, or just generally feel OK. Which makes them toxic expectations.

However: they were still expectations that longed for outcomes without a true radical, internal readjustment. Which makes them unreasonable. 

Because of that lack of radical readjustment, which was mostly internal, much of the year felt one step forward, one step back. Even the growth, which was mostly internal, was messy, non-linear, slippery as an eel in a midnight ocean. 

The ridiculousness of it all is that I KNEW what we were in for, this year.
 I wrote about it extensively, created an incredible courses for it, made podcast episodes about it all year long. The themes were at the forefront of my consciousness most weeks. Even the most studied oracle can’t always predict how it will all go down personally, let alone collectively. 

What needed to happen this year, for me, was no escape, no avoidance from my shadow, shame, fear, and any subconscious programs that were sneakily running the show. I had no choice but to acknowledge them, let them bring me to my knees…and love them. 

The universe was so silent, there was so little external growth, because I had to tend to the internal. To resolve unfinished business and find closure. Because I was so resistant, because I didn’t fully accept and surrender, the process was slow and exhausting. 

There was so much loss. I had to step away from meaningful, long-term relationships that could not meet me at either Covid-safe levels, or honesty levels, or care levels, or capacity levels. I had to face what I could do, and what illness and burnout had stolen from me. There was so much grief in facing reality. 

To be clear: this year was also lovely. My partner and I got even closer.
My circle became the smallest it has ever been, but those relationships feel strong, loyal, pleasurable, honest, and intimate. My small studio team remained lovely and a pleasure to work with. 

 
I got to meet some of the very best folks in the world through the Moon Studio’s classes, which, in 2024, became the very best they have ever been, the most effective, the most ground-breaking, giving some of the most instantaneous results in people’s businesses, energy fields, mindsets, and life. 

Our products remain super effective: our Protection Magic series is almost sold out, and Rise Oil remains one of my favorite oils ever for rejuvenation. Many Moons 2024 is one of the most alive, strong, and diverse editions we have ever put out. I am already looking forward to combining my oils, candles, stones, and altar items with the rituals, spells, and prompts in Many Moons!

The studio was supported by thousands of people, which is still stunning and wild and remarkable to me. Our Patreon membership, that will be shifting over here, remains one of my favorite places to hang out on the internet. 

The gratitude is overwhelming. I suspect that many of us are both more than fine and also deeply not. I suspect that many of us have a life they wouldn’t trade for another, but still find themselves in a tangled morass, in grief, in conflict, in pain. The both/and paradox is a deeply human one.

Zora Neal Hurston famously wrote: “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” This year, for me, was definitely the former. I’m committed to asking even better questions so that I might find better answers. 

Next week, I’ll be back with a post that breaks down some of the ways my archetypes of the year played out, and how we can think about archetypes as anchors and guides in our lives. 

What was the overall vibe of the year for you?